The Test

Santa, Banta and one of their friends are patients in a mental institution and are preparing for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If they pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes them to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then Banta jumps and breaks both legs.
Santa looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You`re a free man. Just tell me why didn`t you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which Santa answered, "Well Doc, I can`t swim!"

Molad Airlines

मोलड उडान पर आपका सवागत सै

ताऊ,ताई,बचचे और बुडडों को राम राम. मै रुलिया राम इस जहाज का कपतान सगली सवारियां का मोलड़ एयरलाईनस पर स्वागत करुं सू

4 दिन की देरी के लिए हमें अFसोस सै. यो सब मोसम की खराबी आर जहाज के टायर खू जाण खाति्तर था. (टायर लड़धू के पन्चर लगाण न दिया था, मटा लेकी भाज ग्या था).

Yo sai udaan 717 bambai khattir. Bambai pahunchhan ki koi garanti koni, pan kitte to pahunchege. Bhai loggan agar kismat apnai saath hui to ke bera thare gaam main bhi utar sakai sai.

Molad Airlines ka suraksha rekard ghanai dhaansu sai. Thamne yo jaankar khushi hogi ki hamare suraksha star itne kade hain ki atankwaadi bhi hamari airlines ke bare mein soch kar ghabrawain sai. Hamnai yo batawan ki khushi sai ki is saal hamari 30% sawariya apne gharaan tai pahoonchi sai.

Jis bhai nai lege ki mhara engine ghani awaaj kari sai, wo rola macha de aar ham engine band kar denge. Dharti tak girne ke safar ko yaadgaar banane ke liye sagli sawariyan nai desi ka pauva aar gathiya diya jayega.

hamare nastik bahi jo jaanna chahate hai ke bhagwaan sai ki na, istai badhiya mokka koni pavai. Yo suvidha sirf mharie airline paa sai.

Hamnai afsos sai koi aaj fillam koni dikha sakai, mata Banwari TV aali fillam rekard karna bhool gaya. Fer bhi jin bhaiyan ka bina fillam pet paatya ja sai unki khattir main jahaaj nai Kingfisher Airlines kai saath laa dyoonga, khidki main tai dekh liyo.

Jahaaj main beedi, cigrat, chilam aar hukka peena mana sai. Jai thamnai dhomma dikkhai de to wo engine dheeme karne ka ishara sai.

Landmarks ki jhalak badhiya dikwan khattir ham unke kattie dhore udange, Ghana dhore ho to rooka maar diyo, yo Banwari (co pilot) kaddai kaddai to landmark ke mah marwa de sai.

Sagli sawariyan tai niwedan sai to take off khattir baithye rahain, seat seedhi rakhein aar apni apni seat peti kas lein. Jis bhai nai seat peti na paawai wo apni kamar peti tai baandh lo. Aar bhai jisne seat na thyai ho wo Air Hostess Gulabo nai boojh lyo ki suitcae ke kyookkar bandhya karain.

Eeb main is agrej sawari khattir English main boloon soon, tham jee se lo.

Welcome to MOLAD AIRLINES

Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain RULIYA RAM welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Molad Airlines.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Molad Airlines has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve Complimentary DARU(liquor) and GATHIYA (Onion).

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Kingfisher Airline, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible.
For the best view, if however, we go a little too close, do let us know.
Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with an airhostess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

ENJOY FLYING MOLAD AIRLINES!

Once in a classroom...

The teacher says: Children, please write your fathers name in English.

Santa writes: "Beautiful Red Underwear"

Teacher says: Santa, have you gone mad?? What is this? What is your father's name?

Santa: Sunder Lal Chadda

Confusion confuses and creates confusion to further the confusion

... read a real conversation between Mr. Watt and William Knott... fetched from a well known BPO in Gurgaon…

"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."

YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED.
READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...

"Why not?"
"Huh? What do you mean why not?"
"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
"But I told you my name!"
"Didn't you say you will not?"
"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
"That's what I mean."
"So you know my name."
"Of course not!"
"Good. So now, what is yours?"
"Watt. Yours?"
"Your name!"
"Watt's my name."
"How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"
"Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet."
"You have been patient, what about me?"
"I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet."
"Of course not!"
"See, you even know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
"Because I don't."

[Pause]

"What is your name?"
"See, you know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep asking ,Watt, is your name?"
"To find out your name!"
"But you already know it!"
"What?"
"See, but you know mine!"
"Of course not!"
"Exactly!"

NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.

"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?"
"Watt's my name."
"No, no, give me only one word."
"Watt"
"Your name!"
"Right!"

[Pause before it hits him]

"Oh, Wright!"
"Yeah!"
"So why didn't you say it before?"
"I told you so many times!"
"You never said Wright before"
"Of course I did."
"Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
"I do not."
"Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
"I do not!"
"Good!"

[Pause before it hits him]

"Oh, Guud!"
"Good."
"No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"
"No, it's Knott!"
"Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."
"Yes Wright."

NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL !!

You know you are living in 2006 when ...

You know you are living in 2006 when …
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

Hotel Kerala Fonia

On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's infested here
It's infested here

His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar,I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray

Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!

Contribution from the Neighbours

Hotel California - Sardar Eagle Singh

On the dark GT highway
Pagdi patka in my hair
Warm smell of some dhabas
Rising up in the air

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a ttharra joint
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I must have drunk over a pint
There he stood in the drive way
I heard his truck helper yell
And I was thinking to myself
This had to be Devinder Singh Behl

Then he belched, and scratched his head
And he was on the highway
And the other drivers leaning from their truck car
doors
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Vaddi changi place (vaddi changi place)
Vaddi changi place
Massage, manicure, pedicure at Karnal-a-fonia
Any kind of ear (any kind of ear)
You can clean it here

His car's grill was definitely twisted
He's got a Maruti-Zen
He's got a lot of petty petty MLAs
Whom he calls friends
Dancing bhangra in the courtyard
See surdie sweat
Some dancer is this Devinder
Armpits stinking wet
So I told the bell captain
I's made a reservation online
And he said, oye khoteyya our internet hasnt worked at
all
Since Y2K - 1999

And still those drivers were calling from the drive
way
Woke me in the middle of the night
I know I heard them say

Welcome to the hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Itthey karlo rest (itthey karlo rest)
Itthey karlo rest
Aish karo at the hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Kudi umr bais (kudi umr bais)
Will serve you nice

Daler on the ceiling
And on the walls in every guise
And waitresses dressed like actresses
From flicks of Subhash Ghai's
And in the downstairs canteen
I sat down for my meal
Butter chicken, and sarson da saag
Had a shock when they showed me the bill
Looking for help I saw Devinder
Dancing wildly on the floor
I had to find my hostess back
Oh where is this Gurpreet Kaur?

Relax said Milkha Singh
Play golf with my son Jeev
Tu ban gaya Punjab da puttar
Now you cant ever leave

So here I am,
Wasting life at the Hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Vaddi changi place (vaddi changi place)
Vaddi changi place
Converted to member of Hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Whoever arrives (whoever arrives)
Stays till he dies !!!

Haryanavi Commentary

Commentary: Anurag Sharma
Courtesy: Motorola

Bhaaiyon yo sai commentary Haryane ke gaam mai hue criket match ki. Tai bhaaiyon, yo kirkit ka aayojan kiya gayaa sai maidaanaa main. Mai suun commentary karaniya ar expert commentary khaatir meri gail maujuud sai Tau Harkaare. Sundu batting karan khater thaapi (bat) lekai wiktaan dhorai khadyaa sai. Paale gindu bagaavan taai dusri or khadyaa sai ar gindu nai khaajli kutiya ki dhaal apni pint pai ragdan laag ryaa sai. Kaka Kalli, jo umpire sai, us dhorai e khadya sai ar beedi fukkan laag rya sai.

Leelu, Dheele, Naai ka, Bilu, Kaalu, Phullad ar Surte maidaan mai chaarun od nai nyuun khade sain junu kisi khuli gaawdi nai gheran ke chakkar mai hon. Labbad, Bhundu, Karne ar Bhartu wiktaan ke paache nai (slips mai) kode ho re sain, mere bate junu hagaaye marte hon. Tai bhaaiyon match shuru ho rya sai. Paale ki khaaj laagai sai mit gi sai ar wo gindu bagaawan nai tayyaar sai. Ib wo daantaa nai bheench kai bhaaj padyaa sai ar usnai gindu bagaa di sai. Gindu tappa khaa kai pahunchi Sundu dhorai jisnai haanga laakai apni thaapi ghumaa di ar gindu hawaa mai oonchi gayi sai. Leelu ar Dheele donu haath aagai kar kai upar lakhaaye gindu ki gail gail bhaajan laag re sain catch pakdan taain. Bhaajte bhaajte donu takra gaye, donu ke donu chit, ar gindu tappa khaa kai baahar. Iski gail batsman Sundu chillaya 'CHHAKKA', Paale chillaya 'CHOKKA SAI'. Chakka chokka karte karte donu guttham guttha ho ge sain. Kaka Kalli aapni thodi khujaawan laag rya sai, usnai kimai idea nahin laag rya ak gindu ure nai giri sai ak pare nai. Match ruk gya sai, ib tai donuaan nai chhuda kai samjhauta karaana padaiga. Short break Donu chhuda diye gaye sain ar unka samjhauta 5 run pai karwaa diya gayaa sai. Thode time match normal chalta hai.

Ghani e haan ho li sai, Sundu kasutta birach rya sai, out howan kaa naam ai nahin leta. Fielder and bowler pareshan aa liye sain. Eebke nai Sundu nai ghumaaya balla ar bhaajya run len nai, gindu gai sai Phullad dhorai. Sundu bhaaj rya sai wiktaan kaid. Phullad Ghana e pareshan aa rya sai, usnai gindu thaa kai bagaai seedhi Sundu pai. Gindu jaa kai laagi Sundu kee taant mai, Sundu chit. Ar ib baari dusre ballebaaj kee.